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I like you, maybe because
you are kind
you are sensitive
you are thoughtful.
you are sweet, you are loving, you smile.
you dance with me
and horizontally
and you kiss me.
I like you because you’re intelligent
and original!
I like you because you follow your own thread.
You’re spontaneous
and gracious.
You walk your walk.
Your ego isn’t in control
and you know what I mean when I say so
and you seek enlightenment
or
more appropriately
consistent growth.
Who else could possibly avoid stagnation as I do?
Your loving
makes my knees weak
and my jeans creamy.
Your touch
excites my skin
and I am able to receive your love.
Only with you
do I relax into caresses
not fearing
or feeling
I must reciprocate
in order
to be deserving
of enjoying
your gifts.
I like you
because you swim
and hike
and you’re emotional about birds
because your vision
isn’t perfect
and sometimes
you let me see things for you.
I like you because
you can see
my father
and I believe you could love him anyhow
because
you chose
your father
as yours.
You remind me of non-attachment.
You help me to be in the present.
You present a way of being entirely different
than the one I have known.
You appreciate my cooking,
discipline
intelligence
and the laughter
of my auntie and me
as she describes
her colonoscopy.
I wouldn’t mind
if with me
you saw more stars
wouldn’t mind if the scents of rosemary, roses
couldn’t help
but be embraced
by your sweet senses.
I wouldn’t mind
if you shaved more often
and closer
so I could rub my smooth check against yours
and be closer.
When I first saw you
I couldn’t see you
but some part of me
I swear, could feel you
Because I can’t run from you
There’s some illusion
I must work through with you.
Or must I?
Mom and Dad know now
a little bit
but they don’t understand.
Don’t we all say that?
Pursuing a life together
is a question
but not for today
or tomorrow
or probably the next one thereafter.
Between now and the answer
I expect, certainly,
more kisses
and questions of me.
I intend to learn
whether in times of trouble
you’d consider therapy.
Would you have a dog?
Raise a bilingual child?
Support my desires to see the rest of the world?
Would you travel it with me?
Have money to do so?
Will you love me?
and know me
and grow with me
until you can’t anymore
and then let go gracefully?
because even divorce
isn’t failure.
Will you open your eyes to the present?
Will you descend from your thoughts,
however brilliant,
into the sweet essence of this moment?
Wsssshh
Who’s smarter:
Kenny Edwards or Peter Mt. Shasta?
Carl Marsak or Mr. Bill Cartwright?
Albert Einstein or Thomas Edison?
SAME
You and I?
Not related
yet related.
You and I
not committed
but connected.
You and I . . .
unestablished
and curious
Because maybe
we could be
You and me.
The universe puts us together in such interesting ways.
Yesterday, Michael and I spent an afternoon at the lake, then ran into Joseph downtown on his way to call me from a payphone. I invited him to come to the house with us and then to the potluck at Carl and Kathy’s. He agreed and on we went.
At first, all went basically beyond well. Joseph was inquisitive and kind towards Michael, despite experiencing a smidge of discomfort; and the Celtic music concert set a sweetly peaceful stage where Joseph and I could enjoy each other. No, no not like that. We laid together on a blanket and snuck peaks at one another and held hands. Joseph was hesitant to fully engage with me and at the time I attributed it to shyness. Now I know better, or more . . .
We left the event at intermission, saying warm goodbyes to my adopted Godparents. Joseph gave Kathy a kiss on the cheek and I thought, he must love me because I love her and he is showing her love. And again we’re back to yes he does love me but not in the be-with-me kind of way, or at least not in the be-with-only-me kind of way and certainly not in the be-with-me-long-term way at all. . .
Anyway, that night Joe told me I looked so fine in my blue dress he’d have to carry a cane anytime I wore it to ward off other men. Truly, I felt pretty and wanted to enjoy this lovely man in my elevated state, so I suggested we go to the city park for a minute before heading home. There, we delved deep into conversation about “us” and love and commitment.
It’s hard to synthesize and summarize what Joseph suggests to me on said topics. I guess it’s something like this:
He loves me.
He’s loved other women before me just about as much as he believes he could love anybody.
–Apparently, he loves everybody like this.
He’s afraid that I’m falling in love with him.
He’s afraid that I’ll consume his life.
He’s afraid that he’ll hurt me because
He has never wanted to settle down.
He learns most through direct, intimate relating like we’re doing “right now.”
He is 99% sure that he will want to move on from me eventually.
Clearly, in response to this, questions arise:
Can I be with him anyway?
Joe doesn’t really ask; I do, because I realize that I love and enjoy him presently.
Can I stay in the present? Is it worth it? Can I be content within the bounds of romantic love that lacks commitment? He thinks not and thus pushes me away out of fear and guilt. But for me. . .
The answers today are yes and yes and yes. As I went off to work early this morning, I said hello and goodbye to Savannah Belle Bones in the laundry room. I hadn’t seen her in days and it was a genuine joy to rub her loose furry skin between my fingers and listen for the gutteral groan that emerges when she’s really satisfied. “I love you, Bonsey” I murmured into her soft, floppy ears.
Then, as it does nearly every day, the thought of her inevitable death crept into my mind. As humans with lifespans sometimes 100 years long, the short lifetime of a pet can feel needlessly cruel. Yet I realize on some conscious level far removed from my emotions that we are able to learn so very much about love and loss through our relationships with our pets. And there is absolutely no question of whether I would ever take away one day of loving Savannah while she’s with us, even knowing that one day all too soon she won’t be.
It didn’t take much for this thought pattern to shift over to Joseph and considering that our time together might be equally fated for seemingly premature severance. With that connection, it became obvious that if Joseph asked me again, Could I be with him knowing one day soon he will leave? that my answer would again be yes.
Despite that, my ego still says, “No way, uh uh. That’s a shitty arrangement,” because it feels like he’s waiting for something better. Meanwhile, my heart sings, “Yes, go with it! He loves you and he’ll realize it more fully with time,” although my brain knows better–or is it the other way around? And when I listen to my body, I hear something sink deep in my belly and leap high in my heart. . . and I realize I cannot really go back. I’ve already spent months attempting to leave this man for various reasons and all to absolutely no avail.
So, it appears I’m headed onward into the wide open spaces where I can and probably will be hurt more than once at any moment. But I’m choosing this path, right? Or anyway, it’s choosing me. Either way, Joseph certainly wouldn’t be to blame.
I now release all attachment to feeling victimized and abused.
I now affirm that I can let go of loved ones.
I now affirm that I cooperate with grace.
I now affirm that I cooperate with grace.
