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Deep breath.

I think everything good starts and ends and exists within a breath.

“As long as you’re breathing, there is more right with you than wrong.”

That’s a quote from the guided meditation c.d. that accompanies The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness, a book co-authored by John Kabat Zinn and others.

I found both the book and c.d. hugely helpful last June when I was fresh off of antidepressants and struggling a bit with franticness and fear. Listening to the c.d. is good when all you want to do is lie in the fetal position. You can still breath there, and that’s all we ever absolutely need to do.

Of the two of us, my brother bears the bigger burden of depression. I can pinpoint a few years of my life when I experienced prolonged phases of despair, but it hasn’t been my norm. Ty has had to work a lot harder for happy.

I didn’t expect to write about this today . . . you never know what might come up while you’re breathing . . .

We spoke today and he told me this weekend was one of the hardest he has ever experienced. He’s doing better though, taking good care of himself in every way he knows how.

As for the rest of us, the many, many people who love and have been touched by Tyler. . . I think the best we can do is send an outpouring of love his way and stay attentive to timing. It’s a big temptation to jump right in and try to be Ms. Fixit right away. Especially as an ET2, I often feel like I have the perfect suggestion for anyone hurting. Sometimes I’m on the right track and what I have to say might be of great benefit; but unless the moment is right, I promise you that perfect suggestion will fall on deaf ears.

As Ty told me about all the steps he’s been taking to stay strong–no caffeine, no alcohol, exercise consistently, meditate daily, and others–I did feel compelled to remind him go easy on himself when he skips a morning meditation or misses a dose of fish oil. I wrote a little bit about my experience of overdoing in an early post, Human Doings, inspired by talking with my brother the same day.

The post begins with a poem; the first line of which is, “You don’t have to be good.”

I don’t want you to be good, Ty. I just want you to be.

* * *

One of my favorite feel-better-even-while-you-cry songs came on as I typed this post, right after Billy Joel’s “Sadness and Euphoria” and in time with me typing the words, “you never know what might come up while you’re breathing.” It’s “Heart of Life” by John Mayer and it goes like this (<—–click there to listen, Mom!):

I hate to see you cry,
lying there in that position.
There are things you need to hear,
so turn off your tears and listen:

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around.
No, it won’t all go away, it should.

But I know the heart of life is good.

I dedicate this post to you, brother. And even though John Mayer says, “turn off your tears,” I say, just keep being you, however you may be. We’ll love you no matter what that looks like. Love and hugs, your Seester.

Skipping Stones

Slee-eepy.

Maybe I ought to start blogging earlier in the day? Maybe before dinner time. Sometimes I feel like I need a pre-dinner activity, ’cause otherwise I get anxious to dine. Yes, I have a slightly over-exaggerated love affair with food. . . I’m o.k. with it.

Lots of topics for blogging crossed my mind over the course of this day. Namely: Processes, Oneness and Resurfacing Romances. I think we both agree that I’ve been philosophical and even practical in my writings a lot lately. Therefore, I choose the frivolous topic tonight: Resurfacing Romances. How delicious! Not to mention, in my current state of eyes half open, I think I might be most coherent on a topic that doesn’t require much intellectual delving. Hm. . .

Oops, totally off topic: I love the freedom of a blog. I actually got the idea that I might have a knack for/enjoy writing one based on the feedback I get on my e-mails, which are typically relatively unfiltered and chock full of parenthetical statements, self-analysis and reflection, and emoticons. People seem to like reading them. Some say it’s like talking me; they feel a sense of closeness. Others are amused. Still others appreciate my honesty, regardless of relevance of it to their respective lives. What nice friends I have!

So, I was inspired to take the approach to a broader audience. And you know, it feels like 100% the right thing to do.

I cringe to bring Dan Brown up for the second blog in a row, but then I suppose it’s good for my ego to express something that feels embarrassing. Especially for an image type as I am on the enneagram. Actually, it’s probably my ET4 heart point that deems the depth of Dan Brown’s writings insufficient. . .

Anyway, Dan Brown. In the final pages of the new book (for those of you who like to “go in fresh,” Dad, I promise I am not going to ruin the end) there is a discussion between two characters about the power of the multiplied synchronized mind (“multiplied, synchronized mind” meaning many minds coming together with a similar or identical thought). Not only are “two minds better than one,” one character explains to the other, “they are exponentially better” (which, by the way is right on track with the tale of the 100th Monkey Effect).

Brown goes on to write the two into a discussion about the way modern technology–specifically the internet–has made connecting minds possible like never before (As an aside, some Christians use this fact as one of many prophetic signs that Christ’s return is fast approaching).

That said, one very real reason I am pleased to be blogging is that in my humble, human, hardly mid-twenty year old glory, I know I have been privy to some exquisite ideas and information; now I’m beginning to participate in spreading and sharing them more actively, in my own clumsy way.

Thanks for bearing with me. I think I’ll try writing before this post-bedtime hour tomorrow. And maybe I’ll actually get to the frivolously romantic topic I tempted you with at the beginning of tonight’s post

Conscious Connections

I must confess, my commitment to making a nightly entry in my blog has waned. And I owe it all to Dan Brown’s latest publication, The Lost Symbol. After turning my nose up at The DaVinci Code I never expected I’d enjoy this one, yet I’ve been finding it fabulously entertaining. Just another reminder to stay open, huh?

Speaking of, I spoke with Kristina this evening (the good friend I’m planning to move to Santa Barbara with come January) and she asked whether I might be interested in relocating sooner. What with the approaching holidays, my fa-abulous ballroom dancing class and a wondrous slew of new friends, I told her it didn’t seem terribly appealing at the moment. But, I added, “I’ll stay open.”

As our conversation continued, we got into discussing our most recent potential career picks. Currently, Kristina has her eye on studying Nutrition & Psychology at Bastyr, but that degree program requires a number of math and science prerequisites (the university she and I attended offered literally one math class and two in science) and she’s begun to doubt whether such subjects agree with her.

Following her down the path of playful contemplation, I voiced my concern about studying psychology–namely that I might find myself cramped into a westerly facing psychological box. “I’m interested in spirituality and different dimensions.” I proclaimed. “I want to study consciousness!”

Together we reasoned that I would surely be able to incorporate my broader interests into a narrower field by attending a school like CIIS. Then Kristina suggested that perhaps it was three days of utter immersion in the works of Dan Brown that was making me think this way. . .

When I got home I had an “EnneaThought for the Day” waiting in my inbox. The first line of it was an urging to all enneatypes to be aware of the transformational process; then came the following quote from Understanding the Enneagram:

Being receptive to spirituality can vastly accelerate the process of healing the deficits in our early development. And using the tools of psychology to heal the gaps in our development gives us the capacity to sustain spiritual states of consciousness.

I would say that fairly addresses my concern, no?

Thank God for synchronicity–and receptivity at that. Again I say it, I am so grateful!